Why He’s Not Asking You Out: What’s Really Happening with Catholic Men
Male Isolation Series
Before you blame him, there’s something you need to understand.
I hear it constantly from women: “Where are all the Catholic men? Why won’t they make a move? I’ve been going to young adult events for years and nobody has ever asked me out.”
And then I hear it from men: “I’m invisible. Women don’t seem interested. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to initiate anymore. Every time I try, I feel like I’m doing something wrong.”
Something has broken in the dance between men and women. And if we’re going to fix it, we need to understand what’s actually happening—not just on one side, but on both.
The Observation
Let me start with what everyone can see: men are initiating less.
Fewer men are asking women out. Fewer men are making the first move at young adult events. Fewer men are pursuing.
This isn’t just your imagination. The data backs it up. But here’s where we need to slow down—because the easy explanation (men are lazy, men aren’t trying, men don’t want commitment) doesn’t tell the whole story.
I’ve sat with dozens of young Catholic men in my coaching practice. Good men. Faithful men. Men who love Jesus and want to get married and have families.
And most of them are terrified.
What Men Are Experiencing
I recently worked with a young man—let’s call him Daniel—who hadn’t asked a woman out in three years. Three years. Not because he wasn’t interested. Not because he was playing video games all day. But because the last time he’d expressed interest in a woman, she’d told her friend group he was “creepy” for approaching her at a young adult event.
He wasn’t creepy. He was awkward. He was nervous. He asked if she’d like to get coffee sometime.
And he spent the next six months being treated like a predator in his own church community.
Daniel isn’t unusual. I hear versions of this story constantly. Men who tried, got burned, and decided it wasn’t worth the risk.
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: for men, rejection isn’t just disappointing. It can be socially devastating. In a world where “believe women” is the default setting, a man who misreads a situation doesn’t just face rejection—he faces potential reputation destruction.
I’m not saying women should tolerate actual inappropriate behavior. I’m saying we need to distinguish between “he made me uncomfortable” and “he awkwardly expressed interest.”
The Mixed Messages Problem
Men are also receiving profoundly confusing signals about what they’re supposed to do.
They’re told to initiate—but not too aggressively. Be confident—but don’t be arrogant. Lead—but don’t be controlling. Pursue—but make sure she’s already interested first.
One client told me, “I genuinely don’t know what I’m allowed to do anymore. Every piece of advice contradicts the last one.”
And underneath all of this is a message many young men have absorbed without anyone explicitly saying it: You are potentially dangerous. Your interest in women is suspect. You need to prove you’re one of the good ones before anyone will trust you.
That’s an exhausting way to enter dating.
This Isn’t About Blame
I’m not writing this to blame women. Many women have real experiences of being harassed, pressured, or mistreated. Those experiences are valid, and the caution they produce is understandable.
But I want you to see something: the men who would actually respect your boundaries are often the ones most paralyzed by fear of crossing them. The good guys are the ones most worried about being seen as bad guys.
Meanwhile, the men who don’t care about your comfort? They’re not reading articles about whether they should ask you out. They’re just doing whatever they want.
We’ve created a system that penalizes the conscientious and barely slows down the predatory.
What We Can Do
So where do we go from here?
First, we need compassion—real compassion—for what both sides are experiencing. Women are frustrated that men won’t step up. Men are terrified that stepping up will destroy them. Both of these experiences are real.
Second, we need to make space for awkwardness. Someone expressing interest imperfectly isn’t the same as someone being threatening. We’ve lost the ability to distinguish between “that was uncomfortable” and “that was dangerous.”
Third, men need environments where healthy initiation is encouraged, not punished. Young adult groups and parishes can be intentional about creating cultures where asking someone to coffee is normal, not creepy.
And fourth—and I say this gently—women can help by responding to imperfect approaches with grace rather than contempt. You don’t have to say yes to the date. But you can say no kindly.
A Word to the Men
If you’re a man reading this: I see you. I know it’s hard right now. I know the rules seem to keep changing. I know you’ve been told you’re part of the problem just for existing.
You’re not the problem. But your retreat from the arena isn’t helping you or the women who are hoping someone will have the courage to pursue them.
Start small. Take a risk. Be kind if she says no. And remember: the right woman will appreciate your courage, not punish it.
In Him,
Katie Palitto is a Catholic relationship coach and the creator of Game of Love. She helps faithful singles move from endless swiping to intentional relationships.