To the Men Who’ve Stopped Trying: I Get It
Male Isolation Series
You’re not crazy. And you’re not alone.
This one’s for the men.
I know you’re out there, reading this, maybe feeling a little surprised that a Catholic woman is writing about your experience. But I’ve sat across from enough of you in coaching sessions to know something the culture doesn’t often acknowledge:
A lot of good men have simply stopped trying. And I understand why.
What You’re Up Against
Let me list what you’ve told me:
You’ve been rejected and it hurt more than you expected.
You’ve been called creepy for expressing interest in ways that seemed normal to you.
You’ve been told to “just be yourself” and also to “read signals better” and also to “make the first move” and also to “wait until you’re sure she’s interested.” The instructions contradict each other.
You’ve watched confident, aggressive guys succeed while being told that you should be different—but no one told you how.
You’ve seen relationships blow up around you and started wondering if marriage is even worth the risk.
You’ve been told masculinity is toxic and traditional courtship is outdated and you should check your assumptions—and you’ve internalized more of that than you’d like to admit.
You’re not making this up. The terrain is confusing. And the reward for navigating it successfully feels less certain than it used to.
The Exhaustion Is Real
I talk to men who describe dating as exhausting. Not disappointing—exhausting.
Every interaction is a calculation: Is this okay to say? Is she interested or just being polite? Will this come off wrong? Am I being too forward? Too passive?
It’s like playing a game where the rules keep changing and no one will tell you what they are.
At some point, a lot of you did the math: The effort required is high. The probability of success is uncertain. The potential for humiliation is significant.
So you stopped playing.
You focused on work, on hobbies, on video games, on fitness—things that reward effort predictably. Things that don’t require you to be vulnerable with someone who might not handle it well.
I get it.
But I Need to Tell You Something
Here’s the thing: I understand your reasons. And I also need to say—gently—that opting out has a cost.
You might be called to marriage. You probably are, statistically. And if you are, that vocation requires you to engage.
It requires you to take risks that might end in rejection.
It requires you to be vulnerable with someone before you know how she’ll respond.
It requires you to lead—even in a culture that doesn’t quite know what to do with male leadership.
The Catechism describes marriage as a vocation of self-giving love (CCC 1601-1605). Self-giving is inherently risky. It means offering something that might not be received.
Opting out protects you from rejection. But it also closes off the possibility of the life you actually want.
What I Want You to Know
You’re not crazy for feeling how you feel. The culture IS confusing. The signals ARE mixed. The risks ARE higher than they used to be.
But here’s what I see from my side:
There are good women who are confused about why no one’s asking them out.
There are faithful Catholic women who would love to meet a man with your values.
There are women who want to be pursued and would be grateful for a man who found his courage.
The women who would mock you for a clumsy approach? They’re not the women you want anyway.
The women worth marrying will give you grace for being nervous, forgive an awkward opener, and respect the courage it took to try.
A Challenge
I’m not going to tell you to “just put yourself out there.” That’s not helpful.
But I am going to ask you this: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
Would you introduce yourself to that woman after Mass? Would you ask your coworker if she’d like to get coffee? Would you actually message that match instead of letting it expire?
You don’t have to do everything. But you might do one thing this week. Just one thing that requires courage.
Not because I’m guilt-tripping you. But because your vocation is waiting. And she might be too.
This is part of a series on “Male Isolation”
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a Catholic relationship coach and the creator of Game of Love where understanding who you are and how to find the love that last forever.