How Women Can Encourage Without Pursuing
Male Isolation Series
You don’t have to chase him. But you can make it easier for him to find his courage.
“I don’t want to pursue a man. But I also feel like I’m just sitting here waiting for something that never happens.”
I hear this constantly from Catholic women. They want to be pursued—and there’s something beautiful about that desire—but they’re also tired of passively waiting for men who never make a move.
Here’s what I want you to know: there’s a huge middle ground between aggressive pursuit and complete passivity. And learning to live in that middle ground might change everything.
What Encouraging Is Not
Let me be clear about what I’m NOT suggesting:
Asking men out
Making the first move romantically
Chasing someone who’s clearly not interested
Doing his job for him
If a man is interested, he should eventually step up and pursue. That’s the traditional script, and I think there’s wisdom in it. A man who won’t initiate is often a man who won’t lead.
What Encouraging Actually Looks Like
But encouraging? That’s different. Encouraging is removing unnecessary barriers. It’s signaling openness. It’s being approachable rather than waiting to be approached.
It looks like:
Staying to talk after events. If you immediately leave, he never has a natural opportunity. If you linger, you create space for conversation to happen.
Asking about his life. “How was your week?” is not pursuit. It’s basic human friendliness. And it gives him an opening to extend the conversation.
Being warm, not just polite. There’s a difference between “fine, thanks” and “It was good! I actually just started this new hobby that I’m really excited about.” One closes doors. One opens them.
Making eye contact and smiling. This sounds elementary, but so many women tell me they look away when an attractive man looks at them. Your eyes are communication. Use them.
Mentioning you’re available. “I’ve been thinking about checking out that new restaurant but I never have anyone to go with” is not pursuit. It’s information that lowers his risk.
The Church teaches that men and women are complementary—designed to draw out the best in each other (cf. Mulieris Dignitatem). Drawing out sometimes means making it easier for someone to take a risk.
Why Men Need This
I’ve written before about why men are hesitant to initiate. The short version: rejection is painful, the culture is confusing, and many men have decided the risk isn’t worth it.
Encouragement reduces the risk.
When you’re warm and open, he thinks: “Maybe she won’t reject me.”
When you ask about his life, he thinks: “She seems interested in talking to me.”
When you mention you’re available, he thinks: “She might actually say yes.”
None of this requires you to pursue. All of it makes pursuit more likely.
A Practical Example
Here’s the difference in practice:
Passive: He says hi after Mass. You say hi back and immediately start talking to your friend.
Encouraging: He says hi after Mass. You say hi, ask how he’s doing, mention you’re checking out the new coffee shop after—”you should come if you want!”
The second version isn’t pursuit. You haven’t asked him on a date. But you’ve created an opportunity and expressed that you’d welcome his company. That’s encouragement.
If he doesn’t take the hint after multiple clear signals? Then you know something about his interest level (or his courage), and you can invest your energy elsewhere.
The Mindset Shift
Instead of thinking “he should notice me and make a move,” try thinking “I’m going to be the kind of person who’s easy to talk to.”
Instead of “I refuse to do any work here,” try “I’ll make it easier for him, and he can take it from there.”
Instead of “if he really liked me, he’d figure it out,” try “interested men still need encouragement, and giving it doesn’t diminish me.”
The goal isn’t to chase. The goal is to be genuinely open—and to communicate that openness in ways he can actually read.
Your Homework
This week, pick one specific thing you’ll do to be more encouraging:
Stay 15 minutes after the next event and actually talk to people
Ask a specific man how his week has been
Make eye contact and smile at someone who interests you
Mention an activity you’d love company for
You’re not pursuing. You’re opening a door.
What he does with that open door is up to him. But at least you’ll know you gave him a fair chance to walk through it.
This is part of a series on “Male Isolation”
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a Catholic relationship coach and the creator of Game of Love dating app on how find true love.