Fruitful Dating
Theology of Dating Series
Openness to Life Starts Now
Let me tell you about the most awkward first date question in Catholic dating.
“So... how many kids do you want?”
It usually shows up somewhere between the appetizer and the entree, delivered with the casual intensity of someone who’s been coached to “get the important stuff out early.” And honestly? I appreciate the intention. But if that’s the depth of your fruitfulness conversation, you’re missing the point entirely.
Because fruitfulness isn’t just about babies. It’s about how you love.
The Question Behind the Question
I worked with a couple--let’s call them Nathan and Sophia--who had the children conversation down to a science. Both wanted four kids. Catholic schooling. NFP from day one. They matched perfectly on paper.
But when I sat with them individually, something else emerged. Nathan hadn’t volunteered at his parish in three years. Sophia’s friendships had withered because she poured everything into dating. Together, their relationship was a closed circuit--all energy flowing between them, nothing flowing outward.
They agreed on the number of children. But they had no practice in the kind of generosity that raising those children would actually require.
Here’s what fifteen years of ministry has taught me: openness to life isn’t a checkbox. It’s a disposition. And that disposition starts forming long before you’re standing at the altar debating NFP methods.
What Fruitfulness Actually Looks Like
The Catholic tradition teaches that marriage has a “double significance: openness to new life and the marriage union” (Humanae Vitae 12). Both unitive and procreative. Both inward-facing love and outward-flowing generosity. Marriage is designed to produce something beyond itself--children, yes, but also community, hospitality, service, and witness.
The Church puts it plainly: marriage is “ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring” (CCC 1601). But notice that word--ordered toward. Fruitfulness is a direction, not just an event. It’s a way of living, not just a biological outcome.
And that direction has to be cultivated.
In my twenties, I didn’t understand this. I thought fruitfulness was something that happened after the wedding--something marriage produced automatically. But Mike and I discovered that the disposition of generosity and openness we needed as parents was the same disposition we needed to build as a couple. Fruitfulness isn’t a switch you flip. It’s a garden you tend.
We learned to ask ourselves: Are we building something together that goes beyond us? Are we pouring out for each other and for others--or are we consuming?
The Selfishness Trap
Can I be direct? Modern dating culture encourages a kind of relational consumerism. What am I getting from this? How does this person make me feel? Am I being fulfilled?
Those aren’t bad questions in small doses. But if they’re the only questions, you’re training yourself for a barren marriage. Because marriage will demand that you give when you’re empty, serve when you’re tired, and pour out for small humans who don’t say thank you for approximately eighteen years.
Fruitfulness is the opposite of consumerism. It’s a posture of abundance--believing that love multiplies when it’s given away, that your life together is meant to overflow its banks and nourish the world around you.
The bond of marriage contributes to the well-being of the spouses even when children aren’t forthcoming. Growing in the nuptial bond constitutes the unitive meaning of marriage. But that growth requires a generative spirit--a willingness to build, create, and give.
Cultivating Fruitfulness Right Now
You don’t have to wait for marriage to practice fruitfulness. Start today.
Serve together. If you’re dating someone, volunteer at a parish event or a food bank as a couple. Watch how they treat people who can offer them nothing. Ministry reveals character in ways a dinner date never will.
Be generous with your time. Fruitfulness in dating means not hoarding your partner’s attention. Maintain friendships. Support each other’s callings. Encourage growth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Talk about more than logistics. “Do you want kids?” is a fine question. But dig deeper. What kind of home do you want to create? How do you imagine practicing hospitality? The answers reveal whether someone has a fruitful heart or just a family plan.
Examine your dating posture. Are you dating from scarcity--desperately trying to get your needs met--or from abundance? Scarcity produces grasping relationships. Abundance produces fruitful ones.
Practice spiritual generosity. Pray for the person you’re dating. Share what God is teaching you. A couple that grows together spiritually is already building a domestic church.
Your Homework This Week
This week, do something generous that has nothing to do with dating. Serve at your parish. Write an encouraging note to a friend. Babysit for a young family. Practice pouring out.
Then ask yourself: Is my dating life making me more generous or more self-focused?
The answer matters more than you think. Because the fruit you bear now is the seed of the family you’ll one day grow.
In Him,
Katie
Katie Palitto is a relationship & dating coach @Finding Adam Finding Eve ministry and co-creator of the Game of Love app.